It's Pouring Here

Literally & figuratively pouring. It has been raining all day...from the sky, but from my heart too, the emotions are gushing like the rain is falling & coming with those emotions are occassional rain drops from my eyes...okay, at times they have been more than drops. I am just having a bad day. I miss our "Emma". I knew that I would have bad days & I guess this is just one of them. I just hurt. That is the only way or word that I know to explain it. It is a painful ache that won't go away. It was a month this past Thursday that Thomas placed her back in her birthmother's arms. My heart is sick with grief; a grief that never gives me a vacation. It is always here with me. It is a new unwelcomed addition to my being & it is hard on my soul.

Our adoption agency emailed us letting us know that Ethiopia has a really good program going right now. It is a rough estimate, but within a year we most likely if not before could be home with a baby & possibly a sibling set. It would take some time to get the dossier done, but since we have done that before it wouldn't likely be too bad. I don't know...sometimes I think we should just wait. I think about doing In Vitro, I think about getting in line for another country while we wait for our China referral, I think about waiting to see what happens with a possible situation with someone who has offered to possibly have a baby for us (time will tell as they are dealing with some personal things that must be resolved first)...but all the while in the back of my mind I just keep thinking of ways that we could possibly get Emma back. I fear every day that I will never be able to let that go & every day she slips away from us a little more.

I know that is hasn't been that long ago. A month, right? My emotions are still so new & I am still processing what has happened. I just can't imagine that time will ever take this pain away.

Maybe it is me. Maybe I don't want to move on. I know that I don't have a choice though, so I might as well get over it or at least learn how to deal with my reality & go from there.

Plan for tomorrow...spend the day with Thomas doing something fun. That will put a smile on my face & in my heart too. It always does! He understands that behind my smile is a sadness right now that won't go away, as he carries that same sadness deep within him . I hold no expectation for myself to "be better" tomorrow, however, I do hope that the day will be better & that for now will have to be enough.