I have learned to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them out of my hands. --Corrie ten Boom

How Much Longer?

I Knew I Loved You...

Saturday, May 24, 2008

It's Pouring Here

Literally & figuratively pouring. It has been raining all day...from the sky, but from my heart too, the emotions are gushing like the rain is falling & coming with those emotions are occassional rain drops from my eyes...okay, at times they have been more than drops. I am just having a bad day. I miss our "Emma". I knew that I would have bad days & I guess this is just one of them. I just hurt. That is the only way or word that I know to explain it. It is a painful ache that won't go away. It was a month this past Thursday that Thomas placed her back in her birthmother's arms. My heart is sick with grief; a grief that never gives me a vacation. It is always here with me. It is a new unwelcomed addition to my being & it is hard on my soul.

Our adoption agency emailed us letting us know that Ethiopia has a really good program going right now. It is a rough estimate, but within a year we most likely if not before could be home with a baby & possibly a sibling set. It would take some time to get the dossier done, but since we have done that before it wouldn't likely be too bad. I don't know...sometimes I think we should just wait. I think about doing In Vitro, I think about getting in line for another country while we wait for our China referral, I think about waiting to see what happens with a possible situation with someone who has offered to possibly have a baby for us (time will tell as they are dealing with some personal things that must be resolved first)...but all the while in the back of my mind I just keep thinking of ways that we could possibly get Emma back. I fear every day that I will never be able to let that go & every day she slips away from us a little more.

I know that is hasn't been that long ago. A month, right? My emotions are still so new & I am still processing what has happened. I just can't imagine that time will ever take this pain away.

Maybe it is me. Maybe I don't want to move on. I know that I don't have a choice though, so I might as well get over it or at least learn how to deal with my reality & go from there.

Plan for tomorrow...spend the day with Thomas doing something fun. That will put a smile on my face & in my heart too. It always does! He understands that behind my smile is a sadness right now that won't go away, as he carries that same sadness deep within him . I hold no expectation for myself to "be better" tomorrow, however, I do hope that the day will be better & that for now will have to be enough.


Journey to Mia said...

Time will help to heal your hurting heart. I still have pictures tucked away of our "Luke" that I can't bear to part with. I run across them every once in a while and cry over them. Even though I know there is no chance of getting him back after the time that has passed. I know how your heart is hurting and the best therapy right now is to cry it out and talk with others about your pain. Don't hold it in. If you need to talk I am here.

The Raudenbush Family said...

Thinking of you as you struggle through all these decisions and heartache. Hang in there, friend.