I have learned to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them out of my hands. --Corrie ten Boom

How Much Longer?

I Knew I Loved You...

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Something a friend said.........

You know how sometimes someone says something & you just know that it is gospel? Well, one of my co-workers Charissa; who also happens to be my friend as well recently said something to me that has stayed with me & rang so true in my mind & heart that I want to remember it always.....not that I could forget it anyhow because I feel the same way in my heart & the same thought rings true over & over in my head too. Even though I knew I felt this way & I knew already that this is & would be the truth & the way, to hear someone say it out loud other than myself (& the fact that it came from a bio Momma) just was great. In my life; being a woman of reproductive age & being surrounded by women who are either trying to get pregnant, have just found out their pregnant, have just had a baby or have two or three at home.........all things pregnancy & the "miracle" of it all seems to be the topic of discussion more often than not....... & don't get me wrong, I get it.......well, I guess I get it. I haven't experienced a biological pregnancy; well, not past nine weeks anyway, but I certainly agree that it is indeed a miracle. Anyway.......Charissa & I were, as we so often do, talking about being a mom & all that comes with it for all of us; adoption, pregnancy, babies, joy, stress etc. Anyway, I was talking with her about the sense of peace that Thomas & I have in our hearts & minds in regards to our journey to parenthood. This peace of mind & heart knowing that this is our journey & that since the day that we knew that our daughter was in China that there has never been a day when there has ever been a second of regret or second thought or even a minute when we have looked back..........anyway, back to Charissa's & my conversation..........I did say to her at the time that we were talking that I couldn't imagine not being where I am today with all of this because I know that Mia is our daughter & that any other path would not have led us to her! So, because of all that we have been through during this journey to our family I am now & will forever be so grateful. This did not come over night mind you......& there are days that I admitted that maybe at times there is a little part of me that thinks maybe I am missing something in not experiencing the actual pregnancy.......you know; that miracle of a life growing inside of you. Of course, I know in missing out on that I have gained SO MANY other things. Mia is MOST CERTAINLY growing in our hearts & I have not & will not ever for one second question that miracle of life..........however that little foot kicking my belly, hearing her heartbeat for the first time-you know; those little special milestones that comes with a biological pregnancy. I know that I am getting so many other special milestones....., but still being human & I think especially being a woman that these feelings are inside of me tucked away & from time to time do make an apperance. Anyway, I mentioned to Charissa that I might at times feel a little envious of others getting to have those experiences, knowing that I would not.....however, I mentioned all of the things health related for the Mommy & the Baby that I would get to bypass or miss out on & in that respect I feel that not experiencing the pregnancy is in some ways a blessing......you know the morning sickness, blood pressure problems, the weight gain, gestational diabetes, swollen ankles etc. Charissa looked at me & said to me something such as, "Yes, pregnancy is okay, but not one moment of a pregnancy can not compare to the first time your baby puts their arms around your neck & squeezes you with a big ol' hug or looks up at you with those eyes.........there is no comparison & yeah, being pregnant is alright but your not missing the good stuff." No doubt I am not quoting her perfectly, but that was the just of what she said. Now, she & I have had many a talk & lately, nine times out of ten during our more intimate chats, one or both of us has tear filled eyes at some point in our conversation. We seem to always be on some subject or story that is tugging at our heart strings. Charissa is also the one that many times over has said to me that she would have loved to have anyone raise her babies & hand them over when they were a little older & that in her opinion we "would be getting our Mia at the perfect time". She said that once they get out of the itty bitty baby stage & develop more of a personality that all of the fun starts. Now, I will admit that not everyone probably shares the same feelings as Charissa on this subject. I have heard many say that they love the baby stage & wish that they could stop the clock........, but for me on this day & so many other days I needed to hear what Charissa said to me. She reminded me of something that I already knew & just to hear it from someone that I respect as a Mother & a friend meant a lot to me! Basically, I am just wanting to say thanks Charissa. For us adoptive Mommies; especially those of us who have struggled through years of infertility, we live in a world where it seems that around every corner we run smack into some big ol' pregnant belly & all we ever hear about is the miracle of carrying this child & sometimes there are days when you just feel like you are missing something that other woman get to experience; missing a miracle that as a woman you feel you have a right to & for some reason because you don't get this "experience" you are said to be surely missing out. I just want to say thank you for reminding us that "the good stuff"; the real parent/child relationship comes later. I am not discounting that initial bonding or making light of those special first nine months when your baby is growing in your belly & I am certainly not saying that it wouldn't be wonderful to have Mia from day one, but the reality is that for us that is not the way it will be........Yes; I can hear some of you screeching now as you are reading this about the "bonding & those first seconds after the baby is born" yada, yada, yada..........that is great, but just remember that for some us, parenthood comes to us in a different way & that just because our "babies come by plane" that maybe we really aren't missing out on anything at all......it might not be what we once imagined or the "traditional" bonding from the beginning that most mommies experience, but we will have all of our own first & many memories will be made & much bonding will be done & I for one believe that there will come a day in which we won't be able to remember a time when Mia wasn't with us!

Thanks Charissa!



Anonymous said...

Jen, I totally get where you are coming from. Sometimes even us bio mommas don't get that magical bonding experience we all hear about. For me the fear of losing the pregnancy and then the premature birth followed by the ups and downs of the NICU made it so that I did not get to bond with Amanda for months after she was born. Right now, when she is 18 months old/14 months adjusted, is when I want to stop the clock. We have passed the fear stage and can just really enjoy her.
This is the fun stuff! You can almost see her learning and that little mind processing all this new stuff. This is what you will get to enjoy with Mia and I am SO happy for you.

Mere :0)

Journey to Mia said...

sitting here crying. thanks for this post. sometimes we all need to hear this. last school year (I forget the count) I think there were about 12 women pregnant at my school where I work. It was like living a whole 9 months of your life in a nightmare. pregnant bellies everywhere.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I agree with your friend. I LOVE my children, but if I am honest, I am one of those that didn't have any desire to stop the clock at the baby stage. My wanting to put the clock on hold started at 16 monthes and I am at another point now at ages 11 and 10. This age to me is GREAT!! I love how their minds work now and watching them grow into the "tweens". Capt and I have always said if we could have a baby that was a year and half old we would have had one more! I didn't enjoy being pregnant...yes it's a beautiful miracle, but no, I didn't enjoy being fat, being miserable, etc. Yes, there are those milestones, the baby kicking, etc. But what is MUCH MUCH MORE important is the prize...the child. You are going to be an AWESOME mom!