I have learned to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them out of my hands. --Corrie ten Boom

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I Knew I Loved You...


Thursday, April 16, 2009

Happy Birthday "Emma Kate"

This time last year Thomas & I were anxiously waiting in a hotel room for the telephone to ring.


We were waiting to hear that a sweet baby girl had been born that we were told was to be our blessing. That phone call came. As most of you know, another phone call that we were not anxiously waiting for came only days later. As I held that sweet, precious baby girl I was told that we would not parent our sweet "Emma Kate" beyond those four days. Our worst fears had once again become our reality. Her first Mother had chosen to parent her.

I was crying so hard I could barely see. My chest hurt so bad I was most certain that I was dying & in fact in that moment was wishing that I were. I was sure that nothing could have hurt any worse than what I was already suffering through. I felt panic, desperation & agony. Barely able to stand, thoughts running through my mind of how I could keep with me the most precious soul I had ever laid eyes on. I knew I had no choice. So, as quickly as I could I began to feed her, change her diaper, dress her in the sweetest little mint green jumper with pink flowers & a white collar & then I swaddled her in a pink blanket~doing this all, knowing that it would be the last time that I would have the blessing of caring for her in those ways.

Mere hours later Thomas placed her back into the arms of her first Mother & into a life that we had not wished for her.

Today as I write this, I am tear free. I feel strong. I feel hopeful, faithful & will continue to be prayerful. I know that God has a plan. He is my strength. I now know that in the past I placed faith in people & ideas, MY plans, MY dreams, MY hopes. No more. The only thing that I have faith in now is Him & His plan for my life. I am at peace that it may not be the same as my plan. I know that my life may never look like the picture that I created in my mind. I know that in this life that I may never understand. For the first time in a long time~maybe ever, I am truly okay with that.

The only thing I have hope in is in God's plan. Believing in Him & His plan~even if it doesn't turn out to be what I had hoped, I know that by doing that, that my life will turn out perfectly, just as He planned & that is all that is important. It will all be perfect in the end...knowing & truly believing that; not just speaking or writing the words, but living them has given me an unexplainable peace that I am today so grateful for.

No, when I sit back & look at my life it is not everything that I had hoped it would be. As I type this, the morning news is all that I hear in the background. There is no pitter patter of little feet behind me, no little one tugging at my shirt tail, no baby cooing in a crib in the next room, no toddler calling out for Mommy, no diaper to go change or morning bath to give, no play date to get to...no, my life is not what I had planned it to be or what I had thought it would be at this point. But, the question I instead ask now is whether or not my life is what God planned it to be. He is the only one who knows the answer. I have to let go, give all of this to Him & have faith that in doing so, whatever the outcome, I know it will be well with my soul.

Now, let's remember I am not perfect. I will still have bad days. I will still from time to time get the "Why me's?". I am human. Yes, this day, my reality~it stings. My arms still ache for her. When I close my eyes & think back to those days I can still feel her in my arms. It is difficult not to think about what I should be doing today verses what I am actually doing. Scurrying around preparing for her to wake up so that we could have the best day ever, helping her to take her first steps, taking her one year old photos~but instead, this morning I find myself praying that she wakes up to her Mommy singing sweetly a Happy Birthday tune to her, that she has a cake to dig her sweet little hands in all to herself & that she is surrounded by friends & family who are showering her with love. For me today & in years to come this will be my reality in relation to her life. I am an outsider who can't look in. I can not be part of her life & I have accepted that. My only role in her life is praying for, wishing for, hoping for & loving her... As much as I love & miss her, I am not her Mommy. A piece of my heart will forever be with her. I have accepted that. I am forever changed as a result of the four days that I got to be her Mommy & I am now & will forever be grateful for our time together. This is the new me, my new life, my reality.

I trust God.

It will all be okay.

It is all okay.

I am okay.

9 comments:

Wanda said...

Hi,

You don't know me but I've been following your blog for awhile now but have never commented.

Really, I just wanted to give you a hug, to be honest. Your journey has been so difficult and I can feel the pain you've had to endure with so many losses.

God bless you for standing strong through this storm. I so look forward to the day Mia Lynn is finally placed in her mama's arms -where she belongs.

I'm glad you're OK!

Wanda
www.atlastmilanascominhome.blogspot.com

Kel said...

What a beautiful little girl! You're going to be a great mama!

Kel said...

And you were an excellent mother to her for as long as you could have been! I meant that you are going to be a great mother to your next child too, and Emma Kate will always be yours in some form! I'm glad you're ok too!

Anonymous said...

Hey Jen! It warms my heart to see that you are growing closer to our Lord all the time! Sometimes He blesses us the most when we least expect it! Hold on to the promise we both love in Jeremiah 29:11! Keep your heart tuned in and know that I'm praying for you now and always!

Love ya!
Lara

Terri said...

What a wonderful tribute to Emma Kate and the few days that you did 'mother' her. I too have had a failed domestic adoption..but never held the child in my arms..bm changed her mind just two weeks before delivery and told me through an email.
Blessings to you!
ps..totes for our china tot is my old website. :)

To The Moon and Back said...

I just found your blog through another adoptive family. Fighting back the tears as I read your story of Emma Kate. Faith is what get us through. I pray for your family and all of us waiting to bring our precious children home.

(((HUGS)))

Mia's MaMa said...

stay strong dear friend. God will show you His plan soon and when He does it will be greater than you ever imagined.
((HUGS))

shannon said...

Jen,
you are such an amazing women I just wanted to cry when I read this but then I was reminded that God has a plan for all of our lives and we just have to wait and see what he has for us. Be patient you will be a mom some day soon I am sure of that you are in my prayers.Shannon

Claudia Manzano said...

I don´t even know how i found your page, I´m from Mexico and I don´t speak English very well but I understand you, I can´t have babies an I find your words very close to my reality, they are inspiring, thank you for writing them.
Claudia.