Happy Birthday "Emma Kate"

This time last year Thomas & I were anxiously waiting in a hotel room for the telephone to ring.


We were waiting to hear that a sweet baby girl had been born that we were told was to be our blessing. That phone call came. As most of you know, another phone call that we were not anxiously waiting for came only days later. As I held that sweet, precious baby girl I was told that we would not parent our sweet "Emma Kate" beyond those four days. Our worst fears had once again become our reality. Her first Mother had chosen to parent her.

I was crying so hard I could barely see. My chest hurt so bad I was most certain that I was dying & in fact in that moment was wishing that I were. I was sure that nothing could have hurt any worse than what I was already suffering through. I felt panic, desperation & agony. Barely able to stand, thoughts running through my mind of how I could keep with me the most precious soul I had ever laid eyes on. I knew I had no choice. So, as quickly as I could I began to feed her, change her diaper, dress her in the sweetest little mint green jumper with pink flowers & a white collar & then I swaddled her in a pink blanket~doing this all, knowing that it would be the last time that I would have the blessing of caring for her in those ways.

Mere hours later Thomas placed her back into the arms of her first Mother & into a life that we had not wished for her.

Today as I write this, I am tear free. I feel strong. I feel hopeful, faithful & will continue to be prayerful. I know that God has a plan. He is my strength. I now know that in the past I placed faith in people & ideas, MY plans, MY dreams, MY hopes. No more. The only thing that I have faith in now is Him & His plan for my life. I am at peace that it may not be the same as my plan. I know that my life may never look like the picture that I created in my mind. I know that in this life that I may never understand. For the first time in a long time~maybe ever, I am truly okay with that.

The only thing I have hope in is in God's plan. Believing in Him & His plan~even if it doesn't turn out to be what I had hoped, I know that by doing that, that my life will turn out perfectly, just as He planned & that is all that is important. It will all be perfect in the end...knowing & truly believing that; not just speaking or writing the words, but living them has given me an unexplainable peace that I am today so grateful for.

No, when I sit back & look at my life it is not everything that I had hoped it would be. As I type this, the morning news is all that I hear in the background. There is no pitter patter of little feet behind me, no little one tugging at my shirt tail, no baby cooing in a crib in the next room, no toddler calling out for Mommy, no diaper to go change or morning bath to give, no play date to get to...no, my life is not what I had planned it to be or what I had thought it would be at this point. But, the question I instead ask now is whether or not my life is what God planned it to be. He is the only one who knows the answer. I have to let go, give all of this to Him & have faith that in doing so, whatever the outcome, I know it will be well with my soul.

Now, let's remember I am not perfect. I will still have bad days. I will still from time to time get the "Why me's?". I am human. Yes, this day, my reality~it stings. My arms still ache for her. When I close my eyes & think back to those days I can still feel her in my arms. It is difficult not to think about what I should be doing today verses what I am actually doing. Scurrying around preparing for her to wake up so that we could have the best day ever, helping her to take her first steps, taking her one year old photos~but instead, this morning I find myself praying that she wakes up to her Mommy singing sweetly a Happy Birthday tune to her, that she has a cake to dig her sweet little hands in all to herself & that she is surrounded by friends & family who are showering her with love. For me today & in years to come this will be my reality in relation to her life. I am an outsider who can't look in. I can not be part of her life & I have accepted that. My only role in her life is praying for, wishing for, hoping for & loving her... As much as I love & miss her, I am not her Mommy. A piece of my heart will forever be with her. I have accepted that. I am forever changed as a result of the four days that I got to be her Mommy & I am now & will forever be grateful for our time together. This is the new me, my new life, my reality.

I trust God.

It will all be okay.

It is all okay.

I am okay.