I have learned to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them out of my hands. --Corrie ten Boom

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I Knew I Loved You...


Saturday, April 4, 2009

Changing into a BUTTERFLY

Really to be very honest with you all, though I have been keeping up with a few blogs & checking Rumor Queen now & then, I have just been busy enough between work & other things that blogging hasn't been a priority lately. The last few days if I am being very honest with you all I have been struggling. I am much better now. Nothing that I want to dwell on as, believe me, I have done plenty of that over the last few days. As I am sure you can figure out it has been related to all things adoption, fertility, children (or better said lack their of) etc. There have no doubt been several contributing factors. The biggest of which I think is that I am PMS'ing...but, to add to that April 16th @ 9:21 is "Emma Kate's" first birthday. I have constantly found myself wondering how she will spend her day. I pray that she is surrounded by people that love her & that she will have her own cake to dig her precious little hands into! For whatever reason a lot of times my memory is not that great when it comes to history or day to day life. However, the four days that we had her with us & were blessed to be her parents are so vivid to me. I mean it has literally been like a video that someone else took of us playing over & over in my mind that I can't stop rewinding. I can tell you every detail~down to what each of us were wearing at even given moment. There is not one unclear or blurred minute. It is like a perfectly painted canvas right in front of my face in which I can describe each & every detail. Also, I have found myself with feelings that I am not proud of that I can't seem to get rid of. & for this I have been ridden with guilt which hasn't helped either. I have friends who have recently been blessed with children, both adopted & birthed, friends who have just told me that they are pregnant...& although I am truly happy for them, I really am~I find myself envious & jealous. I hate it. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to feel those feelings, but yet they are there inside of me. A friend of mine had kind words that have in past days helped me. Here is what she said. (I will withhold her identity, as I didn't get her permission to share this. I know she won't mind, but without her saying it is okay I won't name her.)

"Oh, Jen. I know that feeling. It is really, really hard. You don't want to feel that way, but how can you help it? I probably told you this already...but humor me...I remember my mom taking me out to eat for lunch and me just crying and crying about my fear that it would never happen. Sure enough, our waitress comes up (some young girl...I assume she wasn't married) and she was pregnant! It just made me cry harder. I felt like everyone in the world was having a family but me. So, I certainly can identify with those feelings. I wanted to be a good friend and be excited and joyful about the wonderful news for all of them. But, inside, I just wanted to smack them sometimes! I was just so jealous and angry that my dream was coming true for everyone but me. Such ugliness it brought out in my heart! But, it was a really good refining and purifying time for me. I understood that ugliness in a new way and was able to work through it. I realized that I didn't need to be "the perfect Christian" and always "suffer well." I just had to be me and that God would meet me where I was, which indeed He did. I didn't need to pretend that I was okay or act a certain way. Keep praying about it. I will pray today along with you to that end--that He would meet you where you are and supernaturally change your heart so that you can let go of those bad feelings. "

I am trying...& praying. All the time. I have listened to nothing but Praise & Worship music in the past few days & have prayed more than usual. I am just trying to get myself to some kind of place of peace & acceptance as to where I am today. I feel MUCH better today than I have in days, so I think I am headed in the right direction. It is difficult when everything else in your life is good & the one thing that you want the most you can't get no matter what you do. I have in the past had control issues. Those are waining as I get older, but for me this has been & I fear will continue to be the biggest struggle in my life. & THANK YOU friend for the above counsel! It helped a lot.

What's with the title, "Changing into a BUTTERFLY" you ask? WAIT FOR IT...it's coming.

In other news...
Thomas is so busy at work right now! His store will grand open April 29th! We are so excited! The store is really coming together. They recently received their first trucks & the merchandise is being put on the shelves. Most of you I think now this, but Thomas is a Manager for that BIG retail big box giant that begins with a W & ends with a T. I don't know~so many when they blog don't put names of companies & such in their writings. They bleep out part of the word...there must be a reason. Maybe you are not suppose to. I don't know. Just in case I won't spell it out here, but I am sure you can figure it out.

My job is going well. I closed several great deals recently & have several more on the horizon. I am settling in, learning a lot & feeling like I am beginning to understand the job & my role with the company. This was all new to me just six short weeks ago, so it has certainly been an adventure, but a pretty good one thus far. I think I mentioned it, but I am doing Marketing & Inside Sales for a call center. Here is our website. http://www.servicedriven.com/ You can check it out.

Thomas is working today. I worked a short day yesterday. (Actually I just went in & checked my voicemail & made a call or two. We usually make Fridays a short day.) I took the day to get all of our household shopping done. Went to the grocery store & then to the warehouse store where you buy bulk~you know the one. I also went to a large chain second hand store & got some great bargains. Fun. Today, Thomas had to work. He is doing an orientation so it will be a full day. I am getting ALL the household cleaning & laundry done today. My goal is that tomorrow we have not one single thing to do, but enjoy each others company. I am even going to do the cooking for tomorrow today, so it will be ready. We will go to church & the we have some fun shopping to do. Thomas needs new dress shoes, so we are going to hit the mall. It should be a good day. We are both really looking forward to it. This evening he should get off by 5PM, so we are thinking of doing something fun this evening too. With him working six days a week from 5 or 6AM till 8PM at night it hasn't left much "us" time. That's okay though. Things will settle down sooner than later.

(The explanation for the title is coming....I promise. Just stay with me & make it to the end!)

We have started talking about vacations. Thomas gets four weeks. We are planning lots of Chicago outings. However, we are thinking of one week going to the LasVegas area. We have been many times, however, this time we are thinking of doing the Vegas thing for only a couple of the days & the rest of the time heading over to the Grand Canyon. Never seen it & want to. We also would like to see Yellowstone. So, that is another trip we are contemplating. I also want to see those GIANT Redwood trees! I think they are in California, aren't they? Anyone know? So, those are a few trips that we are thinking of. & of course, one week will be spent on the beach somewhere. We are wanting to rent a beach house & invite as many of our family that can get there to come join us. Don't know if it will happen this year or next, but that is something that we are talking about as well.

I am trying some new supplements for health, wellness & weight loss. So far I am pretty impressed. Here is the link to the products: http://www.irepcni.com/home/products/core4.html
Here is the link to the FAQ: http://www.irepcni.com/home/faq/index.html
(I would skip at first to the FAQ about the product. You can sell the product as well, but I think at first you will just be interested to check it out for yourself. If it works for you, friends & family will ask about what you are using & they you might want to go there, but for now I would just focus on the product.) I am having so far great results. It has only been a couple of weeks though, so I will have to see results for a little longer that remain long lasting before I can say for sure. However, as of now, I am really liking the product. It does wonders for my energy levels & the scale has been liking it too...so, we will see. I will keep you posted. If you are interested in trying the product, just let me know. I can get you to where you can place an order. If you want to wait a while & let me be the guinea pig first, I totally understand.

And now for the title of this post...I know, I know~FINALLY!
In closing, I just want to share with you something that I read the other day. It struck a chord with me & has remained on my mind since reading it.

As I said before, I struggle with the whole not being in control thing. I don't know why as realistically I know that control is only in our minds & is just an illusion. Really, as a human on this Earth we have zero control. I get that. I also, being human, at times (a lot of the time) get the "Why me's?". Oh, you know those, right? I am sure you get them from time to time too. I more often than not just don't get it. I can't see the big picture. I know in my heart & believe Jeremiah 29:11, BUT~sometimes I just need to understand why or feel that I need to see that final reel in the film at the end of some of the short stories in my life. If I could only know His plan, how it will end up...sometimes the way that I see it as it is happening makes absolutely no sense. I can't find the reason in it. It is beyond my understanding. However, I try to be faithful & not question Him, but it is a struggle for me. When I read this, I thought, "Hmmm. Wow. That makes so much sense." It is really not that profound I suppose, but it struck a chord with me & I love it. "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a BUTTERFLY!" Change is always difficult. When things don't turn out how we want them to, we just can't imagine that there is a greater purpose or a greater meaning. Especially if whatever happened has or is causing us pain. However, I suppose we are being pruned & being changed into something else. It is so difficult, but I for one want to be a butterfly so I am going to remain strong & faithful (even when I can't see the bigger picture or find reason) & let God call the shots so that my life will turn out just as He planned for me!

4 comments:

The Raudenbush Family said...

Big big hugs to you, dear sister. Press onward and enjoy your time together this weekend. Sounds like a lot of fun. :)

Kathleen said...

Jen your Blog is so good, I have become consumed reading it. I never realized how long the journey has been for you and Thomas. I will pray for both of you and in time God will bless you with a child. He only gives us what we can handle and unfortanatley that is on his time, not ours. It's only human to feel raw emotions when faced with so many people becoming parents around you, I still feel that way, even having 2 children of my own.
Keep faith during this Easter Season, as it is the time for re-birth!
:)
Sorry so "holy", I just think faith in God is always the answer.

Anonymous said...

Jenn, I just wanted you to know that I pray for you often! And that this entry in your blog really touched my heart!

I wanted to encourage you to not let guilt over your very normal emotions weigh you down! You see, Jesus already carried all that guilt for you! Just let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling in that moment! I wanted to share something God has taught me about our "feelings"! Our emotions are not wrong--it's okay to feel whatever we are feeling! The wrong comes in how we choose to act on those feelings! God gave us emotions so it has to be okay to experience them, right!? He just wants us to mind how we react to them! So often our response to what we're feeling gets us in trouble! It sounds like you are on the right track though! I just don't want you to feel so guilty about the emotions and thoughts warring in your soul!!
I loved that you referenced Jeremiah 29:11 as this is my life verse and one of the foundation scriptures for Cracked Pots Ministries (the women's ministry that I and my best friend are in)! Keep clinging to that verse, girl! It is THE answer for all the confusing circumstances we face in life! I want to leave you with an encouraging (to me anyway) word!

EVEN WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE GOD'S HAND, YOU CAN STILL TRUST HIS HEART!

Much love and prayers,
Lara

Mia's MaMa said...

Oh Jen. God does have a plan for you. A year ago or even 6 months ago I questioned this... but it is true. I have been tip-toeing around contacting you because I know what you are going through right now. I have been there. When friends of mine would come home with their babies from China I would sit at home and cry my eyes out wondering if my time would ever come. I can tell you that your words rang in my heart. It brought back all that emotion I had while waiting. I am so so sorry. There truly is a butterfly at the end of this journey for you. Just keep trekking on and He will bring you the joy you desire in your heart. It will come. Don't give up hope!
Friends of ours logged in before you just pulled their paperwork from China and gave up on their hopes to become parents. I cried for them as I can't imagine how difficult this decision must have been for them. Please please don't give up. There is a child in this world waiting for you to be their mom! They probably aren't born yet but He has linked you together by destiny. It will happen, friend. Please please know this.
suuper big tight hugs to you.
I pray for you all the time that soon you will know your child, the one that will bless your heart forever, and trust me, that feeling is worth waiting for!
more big hugs.
love ya!

and keep blogging... it helps to get it all out!!!!