Pray for Mia

I don't have much information, but just heard from Sara Lane that they are at the hospital with their little Mia. She is sick & I really don't know much more than that. As soon as I know anything more I will update. For now, I just wanted to ask that you all pray for her healing! (Click on title of this post to hop over to the Lane's blog)

Happy Birthday "Emma Kate"

This time last year Thomas & I were anxiously waiting in a hotel room for the telephone to ring.


We were waiting to hear that a sweet baby girl had been born that we were told was to be our blessing. That phone call came. As most of you know, another phone call that we were not anxiously waiting for came only days later. As I held that sweet, precious baby girl I was told that we would not parent our sweet "Emma Kate" beyond those four days. Our worst fears had once again become our reality. Her first Mother had chosen to parent her.

I was crying so hard I could barely see. My chest hurt so bad I was most certain that I was dying & in fact in that moment was wishing that I were. I was sure that nothing could have hurt any worse than what I was already suffering through. I felt panic, desperation & agony. Barely able to stand, thoughts running through my mind of how I could keep with me the most precious soul I had ever laid eyes on. I knew I had no choice. So, as quickly as I could I began to feed her, change her diaper, dress her in the sweetest little mint green jumper with pink flowers & a white collar & then I swaddled her in a pink blanket~doing this all, knowing that it would be the last time that I would have the blessing of caring for her in those ways.

Mere hours later Thomas placed her back into the arms of her first Mother & into a life that we had not wished for her.

Today as I write this, I am tear free. I feel strong. I feel hopeful, faithful & will continue to be prayerful. I know that God has a plan. He is my strength. I now know that in the past I placed faith in people & ideas, MY plans, MY dreams, MY hopes. No more. The only thing that I have faith in now is Him & His plan for my life. I am at peace that it may not be the same as my plan. I know that my life may never look like the picture that I created in my mind. I know that in this life that I may never understand. For the first time in a long time~maybe ever, I am truly okay with that.

The only thing I have hope in is in God's plan. Believing in Him & His plan~even if it doesn't turn out to be what I had hoped, I know that by doing that, that my life will turn out perfectly, just as He planned & that is all that is important. It will all be perfect in the end...knowing & truly believing that; not just speaking or writing the words, but living them has given me an unexplainable peace that I am today so grateful for.

No, when I sit back & look at my life it is not everything that I had hoped it would be. As I type this, the morning news is all that I hear in the background. There is no pitter patter of little feet behind me, no little one tugging at my shirt tail, no baby cooing in a crib in the next room, no toddler calling out for Mommy, no diaper to go change or morning bath to give, no play date to get to...no, my life is not what I had planned it to be or what I had thought it would be at this point. But, the question I instead ask now is whether or not my life is what God planned it to be. He is the only one who knows the answer. I have to let go, give all of this to Him & have faith that in doing so, whatever the outcome, I know it will be well with my soul.

Now, let's remember I am not perfect. I will still have bad days. I will still from time to time get the "Why me's?". I am human. Yes, this day, my reality~it stings. My arms still ache for her. When I close my eyes & think back to those days I can still feel her in my arms. It is difficult not to think about what I should be doing today verses what I am actually doing. Scurrying around preparing for her to wake up so that we could have the best day ever, helping her to take her first steps, taking her one year old photos~but instead, this morning I find myself praying that she wakes up to her Mommy singing sweetly a Happy Birthday tune to her, that she has a cake to dig her sweet little hands in all to herself & that she is surrounded by friends & family who are showering her with love. For me today & in years to come this will be my reality in relation to her life. I am an outsider who can't look in. I can not be part of her life & I have accepted that. My only role in her life is praying for, wishing for, hoping for & loving her... As much as I love & miss her, I am not her Mommy. A piece of my heart will forever be with her. I have accepted that. I am forever changed as a result of the four days that I got to be her Mommy & I am now & will forever be grateful for our time together. This is the new me, my new life, my reality.

I trust God.

It will all be okay.

It is all okay.

I am okay.

Update...

Just a quick note... As most of you know I took a job in Sales & Marketing about six weeks ago. It has been going pretty well. This was a new adventure for me for sure. I knew very little about the job, but in the first six weeks things went very well. During my first six weeks with the company I was going into the office daily. During the initial phase I really needed the support of the owners as I was learning my new position within the company & becoming familiar with the product. As time passed & things continued to go well, I approached them about working some of the time from our home office. They agreed that it was feasible. We collectively decided that we would give this a try. So, mid-week last week I began yet another new journey. So far, so good. We will see how it goes as I move forward with this new set up. I will still go into the office from time to time for meetings & for responsibilities that I have that I can not do from home. This is a good opportunity for me. I can still have my job, but I also have even more flexibility with my schedule than before. This is also affording me the opportunity to start another new venture. I have mentioned it to most of you already. I have started using BeachBody products & have decided to become a "Coach" as well. www.beachbodycoach.com/jenpearse Having so much flexibility with my schedule will also offer me endless possibilities with this as well. I am looking into online course work that would offer me a certification in personal training. I have a long way to go before I will be ready to offer anyone else much more than support & endless encouragement, but I am excited to check out what my options are so that I can become as knowledgeable as possible! I think I sent most of you some information on BeachBody & would love to hear from any of you that have any questions or are interested!

Thomas's store will grand open on the 29th! I got a tour a few weeks ago! It was awesome! We are so excited. He is enjoying his new market & his job so much! We appreciate your prayers as he continues to work long hours in preparation for the big day & that all will go well!
We are loving Illinois. We love being so close to so much to do. It is amazing to have so many opportunities all around you all of the time. I never thought of myself as a city gal, but I have settled in better than I ever thought I would. We really have the best of both worlds, living in smaller community, but being so close to the city. (I will have lots of photos to share as the weather begins to warm & we spend much more time in the city seeing the sights!) Of course we miss friends & family, but we have made new friends & found a great church. That helps! ...& of course, thank goodness for unlimited long distance & email!

Better get busy. Just wanted to let you know that I am working more often than not now out of our home office, so I am once again more available during the day if for any reason you want or need to get a hold of me. I am on the phone a lot, so you it may at times take me a minute to get back to you, but just leave me an email or a voicemail & I will get back to you sooner than later.

Hope everyone had a BLESSED Easter Holiday!

Changing into a BUTTERFLY

Really to be very honest with you all, though I have been keeping up with a few blogs & checking Rumor Queen now & then, I have just been busy enough between work & other things that blogging hasn't been a priority lately. The last few days if I am being very honest with you all I have been struggling. I am much better now. Nothing that I want to dwell on as, believe me, I have done plenty of that over the last few days. As I am sure you can figure out it has been related to all things adoption, fertility, children (or better said lack their of) etc. There have no doubt been several contributing factors. The biggest of which I think is that I am PMS'ing...but, to add to that April 16th @ 9:21 is "Emma Kate's" first birthday. I have constantly found myself wondering how she will spend her day. I pray that she is surrounded by people that love her & that she will have her own cake to dig her precious little hands into! For whatever reason a lot of times my memory is not that great when it comes to history or day to day life. However, the four days that we had her with us & were blessed to be her parents are so vivid to me. I mean it has literally been like a video that someone else took of us playing over & over in my mind that I can't stop rewinding. I can tell you every detail~down to what each of us were wearing at even given moment. There is not one unclear or blurred minute. It is like a perfectly painted canvas right in front of my face in which I can describe each & every detail. Also, I have found myself with feelings that I am not proud of that I can't seem to get rid of. & for this I have been ridden with guilt which hasn't helped either. I have friends who have recently been blessed with children, both adopted & birthed, friends who have just told me that they are pregnant...& although I am truly happy for them, I really am~I find myself envious & jealous. I hate it. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to feel those feelings, but yet they are there inside of me. A friend of mine had kind words that have in past days helped me. Here is what she said. (I will withhold her identity, as I didn't get her permission to share this. I know she won't mind, but without her saying it is okay I won't name her.)

"Oh, Jen. I know that feeling. It is really, really hard. You don't want to feel that way, but how can you help it? I probably told you this already...but humor me...I remember my mom taking me out to eat for lunch and me just crying and crying about my fear that it would never happen. Sure enough, our waitress comes up (some young girl...I assume she wasn't married) and she was pregnant! It just made me cry harder. I felt like everyone in the world was having a family but me. So, I certainly can identify with those feelings. I wanted to be a good friend and be excited and joyful about the wonderful news for all of them. But, inside, I just wanted to smack them sometimes! I was just so jealous and angry that my dream was coming true for everyone but me. Such ugliness it brought out in my heart! But, it was a really good refining and purifying time for me. I understood that ugliness in a new way and was able to work through it. I realized that I didn't need to be "the perfect Christian" and always "suffer well." I just had to be me and that God would meet me where I was, which indeed He did. I didn't need to pretend that I was okay or act a certain way. Keep praying about it. I will pray today along with you to that end--that He would meet you where you are and supernaturally change your heart so that you can let go of those bad feelings. "

I am trying...& praying. All the time. I have listened to nothing but Praise & Worship music in the past few days & have prayed more than usual. I am just trying to get myself to some kind of place of peace & acceptance as to where I am today. I feel MUCH better today than I have in days, so I think I am headed in the right direction. It is difficult when everything else in your life is good & the one thing that you want the most you can't get no matter what you do. I have in the past had control issues. Those are waining as I get older, but for me this has been & I fear will continue to be the biggest struggle in my life. & THANK YOU friend for the above counsel! It helped a lot.

What's with the title, "Changing into a BUTTERFLY" you ask? WAIT FOR IT...it's coming.

In other news...
Thomas is so busy at work right now! His store will grand open April 29th! We are so excited! The store is really coming together. They recently received their first trucks & the merchandise is being put on the shelves. Most of you I think now this, but Thomas is a Manager for that BIG retail big box giant that begins with a W & ends with a T. I don't know~so many when they blog don't put names of companies & such in their writings. They bleep out part of the word...there must be a reason. Maybe you are not suppose to. I don't know. Just in case I won't spell it out here, but I am sure you can figure it out.

My job is going well. I closed several great deals recently & have several more on the horizon. I am settling in, learning a lot & feeling like I am beginning to understand the job & my role with the company. This was all new to me just six short weeks ago, so it has certainly been an adventure, but a pretty good one thus far. I think I mentioned it, but I am doing Marketing & Inside Sales for a call center. Here is our website. http://www.servicedriven.com/ You can check it out.

Thomas is working today. I worked a short day yesterday. (Actually I just went in & checked my voicemail & made a call or two. We usually make Fridays a short day.) I took the day to get all of our household shopping done. Went to the grocery store & then to the warehouse store where you buy bulk~you know the one. I also went to a large chain second hand store & got some great bargains. Fun. Today, Thomas had to work. He is doing an orientation so it will be a full day. I am getting ALL the household cleaning & laundry done today. My goal is that tomorrow we have not one single thing to do, but enjoy each others company. I am even going to do the cooking for tomorrow today, so it will be ready. We will go to church & the we have some fun shopping to do. Thomas needs new dress shoes, so we are going to hit the mall. It should be a good day. We are both really looking forward to it. This evening he should get off by 5PM, so we are thinking of doing something fun this evening too. With him working six days a week from 5 or 6AM till 8PM at night it hasn't left much "us" time. That's okay though. Things will settle down sooner than later.

(The explanation for the title is coming....I promise. Just stay with me & make it to the end!)

We have started talking about vacations. Thomas gets four weeks. We are planning lots of Chicago outings. However, we are thinking of one week going to the LasVegas area. We have been many times, however, this time we are thinking of doing the Vegas thing for only a couple of the days & the rest of the time heading over to the Grand Canyon. Never seen it & want to. We also would like to see Yellowstone. So, that is another trip we are contemplating. I also want to see those GIANT Redwood trees! I think they are in California, aren't they? Anyone know? So, those are a few trips that we are thinking of. & of course, one week will be spent on the beach somewhere. We are wanting to rent a beach house & invite as many of our family that can get there to come join us. Don't know if it will happen this year or next, but that is something that we are talking about as well.

I am trying some new supplements for health, wellness & weight loss. So far I am pretty impressed. Here is the link to the products: http://www.irepcni.com/home/products/core4.html
Here is the link to the FAQ: http://www.irepcni.com/home/faq/index.html
(I would skip at first to the FAQ about the product. You can sell the product as well, but I think at first you will just be interested to check it out for yourself. If it works for you, friends & family will ask about what you are using & they you might want to go there, but for now I would just focus on the product.) I am having so far great results. It has only been a couple of weeks though, so I will have to see results for a little longer that remain long lasting before I can say for sure. However, as of now, I am really liking the product. It does wonders for my energy levels & the scale has been liking it too...so, we will see. I will keep you posted. If you are interested in trying the product, just let me know. I can get you to where you can place an order. If you want to wait a while & let me be the guinea pig first, I totally understand.

And now for the title of this post...I know, I know~FINALLY!
In closing, I just want to share with you something that I read the other day. It struck a chord with me & has remained on my mind since reading it.

As I said before, I struggle with the whole not being in control thing. I don't know why as realistically I know that control is only in our minds & is just an illusion. Really, as a human on this Earth we have zero control. I get that. I also, being human, at times (a lot of the time) get the "Why me's?". Oh, you know those, right? I am sure you get them from time to time too. I more often than not just don't get it. I can't see the big picture. I know in my heart & believe Jeremiah 29:11, BUT~sometimes I just need to understand why or feel that I need to see that final reel in the film at the end of some of the short stories in my life. If I could only know His plan, how it will end up...sometimes the way that I see it as it is happening makes absolutely no sense. I can't find the reason in it. It is beyond my understanding. However, I try to be faithful & not question Him, but it is a struggle for me. When I read this, I thought, "Hmmm. Wow. That makes so much sense." It is really not that profound I suppose, but it struck a chord with me & I love it. "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a BUTTERFLY!" Change is always difficult. When things don't turn out how we want them to, we just can't imagine that there is a greater purpose or a greater meaning. Especially if whatever happened has or is causing us pain. However, I suppose we are being pruned & being changed into something else. It is so difficult, but I for one want to be a butterfly so I am going to remain strong & faithful (even when I can't see the bigger picture or find reason) & let God call the shots so that my life will turn out just as He planned for me!