I have learned to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them out of my hands. --Corrie ten Boom

How Much Longer?

I Knew I Loved You...


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Wow~

Wow, yes that is really all I could think of to say about something that I started yesterday. I posted something in a forum that is a very popular site that many people within the adoption community visit. I did it without malice, but boy was I naive. My words were read in a much different way than they were written or intended & well, the rest is history! I will not hash out all of the nasty details of exactly was or wasn't said here again on my blog. Most of you know the website & can go, if you have an hour or TEN, & read the thread if you want to. I will say in short that all I wanted to know was where everyone's minds & hearts were in regards to an issue. The issue I knew would be a very, very sensitive topic~but, I felt that the forum in which I was raising the issue was a safe place to bring it up. OOPS! Wrong again! I knew that it would not likely make me the most popular gal around, but little did I know...I was bringing up the subject of families returning to China for multiple adoptions or even families with several biological children adopting when there are many families who are childless as a result of Infertility who haven't even been once yet. I talked about back when the climate with China Adoptions was very different; the wait was much shorter & according to the CCAA; there were many more babies available for adoption. I stated that I realized that there are MANY variables to this situation, such as special needs~but, just overall I was curious as to everyone's thoughts on the subject. The one great thing that did come of it was that through some of the outrage & slamming that occurred, & believe me there was a lot of that, there were some great post. Some that I am happy to say really opened my eyes to other's points of view. There were many post just basically yelling at me telling me that I should be ashamed of myself & that I should apologize for bringing up such a topic. There were many who said that they were very offended. Some who even went as far to say something like (not quoting here, just paraphrasing)~they were planning to take their children that they have now to China with them when they go this time for their next adoption & to think that there are those who feel this way just devastated them. Surely they already knew as I am told this issue has been brought up many times in the past. I am sure that they realize that only mere years ago that this was in fact one of the rules for China-at least that is what I was told. I know too that there are some countries still today that require that the family be childless & there are those that even require Infertility to be the reason. Now hear me clearly, PLEASE~I did say FOR MY FAMILY that it would be a difficult choice for US to put ourselves in line in front a family that was childless if we already had children in the home. That being said, I said up front that I was very sensitive to the sibling issue & thankfully due to some fabulous discussion amidst all of the hype yesterday I even have a better understanding of this now. I never wanted to push my feelings on anyone else or expected them to change their views. All that I really wanted was for people to share their thoughts, opinions & feelings on the subject so that we could possibly all open our minds & walk in another's shoes if only for the discussion. I thought that this would bring people together & help us to understand one another better. Whew, I was so naive. I even said that I knew that the CCAA makes the rules & that even if someone wanted to, you have to stay in line where you are placed. I get that. Someone emailed me privately & mentioned an idea that they had about separate lines. It was a very good idea. She was afraid to post it on the forum as she said she wasn't up for all of the slamming. Her instincts were better than mine!

I haven't been back on the site recently & don't intend on it. I did however try to post a brief comment last night & now the moderator is having all post (well, at least mine & a couple others as they have mentioned it.) go through her prior to allowing them to be posted. The thing of it is, my comments were far from the hateful tone that many took. I never told anyone to be ashamed of themselves or demanded an apology. However, my comments are not being posted, nor does it appear that anyones are who has an opinion or comment that falls on the minority side of the issue. I thought forums such as this were suppose to be fair & un-bias. Now, it is like only one side of this subject is being allowed to be posted & that is very sad. I can understand moderating a site. I mean obviously we need to keep things clean, but I would hope that we would not see censorship, especially if it made a subject seem very one sided when clearly there are many on both sides of the issue. I am not saying that is what is happening, I am just saying that as of last night it appeared to me as such.

In closing, I will just say that I wasn't offended, upset or hurt by what anyone said. I appreciated the discussion. I read the thread & just tried to see through the slamming & hatefulness to get to the good stuff. Overall, it was a good discussion & I still contend a good topic that was fair to bring up in the forum in which I did.

6 comments:

Carol and Taylor said...

Hi,

Read your post and felt for you. Not saying that I agree or disagree with you thoughts. Just that Its amazing how mean people get when they feel threatened. No idea why they felt that way, as you had loads of disclaimers in your post. But, there you have it.

Whats unsettling to me is that if they wig out this much over a mere discussion, how can they possibly handled the stress of raising a child??

Just my 2 cents and I admit I'm too too chicken to say it on that site. God knows the hate mail I'd get.

Hang in there.

Kind regards from Miami,

Alicia said...

Praying, crossing fingers, and hoping that you get the TWINS!!! I will email you later this week. Too tired tonight! And of course, I will start following your blog so don't be gone too long!!

Alicia

Rebel said...

Clicked on your blog after reading the discussion... or not discussion... on Rumor Queen.

I will tell you my thoughts... keep reading... don't be scared :)... my husband and I have been blessed with 3 biological children; however, we always knew we wanted to adopt also.

We have lived/traveled all over the world and we have seen first hand the reality of many things.

While living in Thailand long ago, we were denied when we petitioned to adopt a special needs child... simply because we were "fertile".
It was painful as we knew the chances of that beutiful little soul ever finding a family. We begged... we were still denied. We moved on... but it was never far from our thoughts.

Years later, we moved to Indonesia. After residing in the country for 3 years (the minimum before international adoption), we petitioned for adoption. We had to jump through many hoops, as 1 of the first rules in International adoption in Indonesia is that families must be childless, or have one child and adopt the opposite sex. We had 3 children - 2 boys and a girl. But we knew that children in Indonesia rarely get adopted. It is not culturally accepted. So we pushed on. We called every government official that we knew in Indonesia asking for letters of support and referrals... we were successful and are became parents for the 4th time in December of 2003 when we became the legal guardians of our Abby. I can not tell you how many times we were asked "WHY" as we already had 3 children... and had boys and a girl. We knew why... but it was hard to explain.

Fast forward a few years and we moved to Australia... no chance of adopting in Australia, but we knew we wanted to add one more little one to the family... or maybe even 2 or 3 if it was meant to be. We were open.

We decided to pursue a Special Needs adoption from China and have been home with Lilli An for a bit over 6 months now. She is an amazing little one that has overcome some very serious medical issues... but she is healthy and happy and such a shining light!

To connect this to your post... My husband and I have discussed this topic many times... that we have biological children and have adopted twice when others have no children and have not been able to adopt yet. We have felt guilt...
We even decided not to take all of our children to China partially because of these feelings.

But we also believe in what is supposed to be... Our children were planned for us ~ biological and adopted ~ long long ago.

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 16

In closing... hold your head up high. You should never be given grief in such a forum as Rumor Queen... I think it simply all the emotion being hurled ...

Your comments/concerns/thoughts are valid.

Good luck to you! I can't wait to see where your adoption journey leads you... what little soul is meant to be yours!

Cheers, Rebel

Tammy said...

I saw your comment on RQ & it really struck a cord with me. I remember all too well those painful years of waiting for a child and the ugliness of trying to get pregnant in the face of infertility. The emotions are so raw. I felt exactly as you posted every time I would hear someone was pregnant, and heaven forbid, if I heard someone say it was a 'surprise' - that would truly set me over the edge. Our rational selves tells us that someone else building a family doesn't really take away our chances, but when you yearn to have a child (there is nothing to compare to the desire to be a mom) these things rub salt in our gaping wounds. I have met many friends through adoption and EVERY one has mentioned these feelings. IMO, it's difficult to not feel this way. You're tired of the journey to motherhood being so flipping difficult.

Although I now have two children, one adopted from China, I will ALWAYS remember the pain. You will too - even long after your child(ren) is/are with you. This pain will always remind you to appreciate each moment and snuggle with them just a little bit longer.

Best of luck to you - I hope you hear some good news soon.

Julie said...

Good luck with the move, and with the twins (fingers crossed!) Don't let all the RQ haters get you down. There are other SANE people out there waiting to meet their children with you. This is why I try to stay away from visiting RQ to often. Emotions run VERY high on that board and people seem easily offended. It's too bad we can't all just love one another and hope the best for one another. Hang in there!

Heather said...

Please don't let a few nagative comments keep you from either expressing yourself or interacting in an online adoption forum. With all the divergent personalities and opinions out there, you have to expect some nagative feedback every once in awhile. I ignore it and hit delete!

I read most of the thread you are referring to and I completely understand your feelings about waiting while childless. In fact, I can empathize with you because I, too, felt that way at one point while we were waiting for our first daughter. But to be honest, the wait for our second daughter was equally as agonizing for different reasons.

Take care.